Marriage Delusions

Ephesians 5:21-33

 

The Scripture teaches us about marriage in a way that the thinking man or woman and the mature man or woman will recognize some things that the immature and the novice and inexperienced will or cannot see.

 

One of the casualties of embracing something before we understand it, embracing something with unrealistic expectations, is that we generally come away placing blame in the wrong area.

 

Because so many marriages fail.

 

Many blame God’s design …they conclude marriage, according to God’s Word, just won’t work in our day.

 

Many hold God accountable saying…it just wasn’t meant to be….

 

Others blame external circumstances…finances …differences…interference.

 

Others blame preachers and parents for the lack of counseling…and instruction…(I love that one).

 

 

One of the common conditions among folks who marry is delusional thinking …supposing that their dreams and fantasies of marriage are how things really are.  Sometimes what we find is that reality is not at all what we thought it would be.  Sometimes reality is a million miles from our dreams.

 

 

Illustration: One Sunday School teacher asked the class if anyone knew what the Bible had to say about marriage. A little boy raised his hand saying, I do, I do.   The Bible says forgive them for they know not what they do.

 

 

We are responsible to know what we do.

 

That principle is taught in the Scripture…you can call it what you like …

the principle of  buyer beware…

the principle of look before you leap, the principle of know before you go.

 

Luke 14: 28For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? 29Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, 30Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. 31Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?

 

the principle of figure before you fight

the principle of counting the cost

the principle of preparing  before you pledge

the principle of  knowing  you “I CAN” before you say “I DO.”

 

 

There are some instructions in Scripture that imply some truths that destroy some delusion some might have.  

 

Important to all of us because sometimes delusions die hard…dreams, though they be unrealistic, are hard to put away…there are those who have gone from marriage to marriage to marriage seeking the fulfillment of literally an impossible dream…they are looking for something or someone or some state that does not exist. 

 

 

So let me give you some of the delusions that we often have and show the actual reality from Scripture…

 

 

I.  That being married to the right person will fulfill happiness…that being married will make you a whole person…that the presence of a man or a woman will fulfill all you needs and rid you of all your problems …and satisfy all your expectations.

 

 

Let me tell you why that is delusional thinking, a myth…because the description implied of us in the Scripture…even Believers…even Saints, have the potential to progress and grow.  We also have the potential to digress and behave in a very unspiritual and fleshly manner.

 

Eph. 4: 12-15

 

 

A.  Our spiritual standing with God is one of perfection.

 

B.  Our earthly condition is one of daily experiencing the potential to be tossed to and fro or to grow and mature.

 

 

We own perfection with God, as it was purchased by Christ and gifted to us, but we will not occupy that possession as long as we are in this body on this earth.

That is an understandable biblical concept.

 

The saint owns a piece of real estate in Heaven, but will only occupy it after this life.

The saint owns perfect health, but will only receive it after this life.

We stand perfect and complete with God, but we, in this life, have the potential to progress and digress.

 

Example: Eph. 4: 29 –32

 

We can be both gracious and corrupt.

We can be both edifying and malicious.

We can be both forgiving and bitter. 

Note he said “forgiving,” meaning a continually needed practice.

 

 

My point being…the concept of a superman or a wonder woman that will be able to meet your every need or satisfy your every desire, take care of every problem, fix everything that is broken, is a delusion.  

 

 

None of us will ever ARRIVE in this life, we will always only be HAPPENING…you are a happening person at best!!!!!!

 

Illustration: Yearning for Romance or promoting a myth

According to Harlequin publishing house, which has been in the romance business for half a century, more than 180 million romance novels are purchased each year, with Harlequin itself selling, on average, five-and-a-half books per second.

 

That is fiction!!!!

 

Well, Pastor, we all know that!!!!! 

Then why do we hold one another accountable for perfection?

Why are we disappointed in one another when they lack perfection?

Why do we not extend forgiveness more freely?

 

 

Let’s add this to the equation:

 

It does happen that some people, before they know better, will suppose there are perfect people in the world. We know that is a delusion, but that may not be the greatest delusion.

 

The most delusional person is the person who believes they themselves are perfect…the husband who believes he is perfect or the wife who believes she is perfect…supposing they can be superman or wonder woman…we have no weaknesses or faults or dents or imperfections.

 

The problem with that is we then see ourselves as worthy of a perfect mate and we literally become:

 

Mr. or Mrs. Impossible to please

Mr. or Mrs. Impossible to live with

Mr. or Mrs. Never my fault

Mr. or Mrs. Never say I don’t know

Mr. or Mrs. Never admit a weakness

 

 

According to Stuart Briscoe’s research of the modern macho man in America,  “…he is severely limited in his ability to speak five simple statements. It’s not that he can’t say the words, its just he’s in a prison that prevents the words from coming out, even when they are in his best interest….” The five statements are 1) I don’t know 2) I was wrong 3) I need help 4) I’m afraid and 5) I’m sorry.  His inability stems from the delusion that he is perfect.

 

 

Two impossible marriages:

 

When one is relying on and looking to another other than the Lord for their happiness.

When one supposes he is lord and everyone should yield to his happiness.

 

 

 

II.  That Biblical marriage responsibilities will be easy…is a myth

 

 

If God is in it, it will be without opposition.

If God calls us to it, it will be unchallenged.

 

 

A.  Note the process the Lord expects that enables good and right actions is one of diligence.

 

Eph 4:

Vs 10 prove …discern

Vs 11 reprove …declare and discard error and fleshly practices

Vs 15 walk circumspectly

Vs 17 be discerning of the Lord’s will

Vs 18 be filled with the Spirit

Vs 19-20 maintain a spiritual, joyful and grateful heart and tongue and mind

 

 

Gal. 5: 17For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

 

Illustration: Married folk are not to act as they now usually do. The men are almost lions in their homes, hard toward their wives and servants. The women, too, everywhere want to domineer and have their husbands as servants.

 

Citation: Martin Luther. "Martin Luther--The Later Years and Legacy," Christian History, Issue 39.

 

 

Understand: 

Everything pleasing to God is resisted by our flesh.

Nothing resisted by our flesh is made easy just because God supports it.

Something the Spirit and we desire to do, we do not do because the flesh resists them.

 

 

 B.  Note the responsibilities the Lord expects of us are sacrificial and giving in nature.

 

 

Submit and revere

Love and lead

 

Those that are not self-seeking activities…they are self-sacrificing, spending ones self …and those that are against our nature, are they not?

 

 

Vs 21 Submitting yourselves one to another

Vs 20 Wives submit to your husband as unto the Lord

Vs 25 Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church

 

 

These all have as their intended goal, not the establishment of superiority, but the fulfillment of the needs of the home.

 

The home needs a cooperative spirit of unity and team effort and oneness that has been declared is to be expressed and both husband and wife are to demonstrate that.

 

The home needs love and headship… husbands you provide.

 

The sacrificial head needs a submissive body of cooperation…wife you demonstrate that.

 

Listen, don’t let this expectation to be submissive cause you to form a wrong theology …it is not declaring that the wife cannot have a good idea or intelligence or might be better gifted in needed leadership skills.

 

 

There is an unusual passage of Scripture in Gen. 21 where Abraham and his wife Sarah were having a difference of opinion. Sarah told her husband what to do and her command to him grieved him and he was resisting it and God spoke to him and said…Gen. 21:12 “...in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice…”

 

Now either there is a contradiction or maybe we have taken Eph. 5: 25 and made it say more than God intended.

 

But know this, everything God asked of us (male or female) …everything He asked in relation to marriage, is a giving up and spending of ourselves for the sake of our marriage partner.

 

 

Being married will fulfill happiness

Being married will be easy

 

 

III.  Being happily married is an impossibility…the greatest delusion of them all…Eph. 5:31

 

 

The Love we express and experience in the marriage is akin to and comparable to the Love Christ had for His Church.

The submission we express and experience is akin to the Spirit of Christ who died for us.

The Obedience we express and experience is akin to the obedience Christ had for His Father.

 

 

My point is that a family that is loving and submitting and living in ministry and affection to one another, is very closely related to the love and ministry of Christ.

 

It is wonderful to experience a family and know that you have experienced the establishment of God.  Gen./Matt. “What God hath joined together.”

 

It is wonderful to experience a family and know that you have experienced the enablement of God.

 

It is wonderful to embrace a family and know that you have been blessed with a mate that knows and is empowered of God.

 

Everyone can experience that family…for real…on this earth …today.